ADHD Romantic Partners: Refocusing Your Love

Miscommunications, un-kept promises, impulsive decisions, late arrivals -– these are just a few of the challenges that can arise between couples when one of them has ADHD.

These challenges are often rooted in differences in vantage points and communication styles. People with ADHD make sense of the world differently than others. For example, have you ever noticed that your partner hyper-focuses on things that truly grab his attention, and may tend to show up late because he got lost in time? Or that he tends to breaks promises to you, despite the fact that you have expressed your disappointment in this habit?

If patterns like this repeat themselves, you are likely to take it personally and feel disrespected. But these annoying traits typically don’t mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you. Face it: you both simply focus and experience time differently (and by the way, have you ever considered that some of your traits may annoy him too?).

It’s easy to understand how symptoms commonly associated with ADHD (hyper-focus, impulsivity, inattention and hyperactivity) can affect relationships. To complicate matters, most people with ADHD are not diagnosed until they are adults – if at all – and even fewer receive treatment.

Once you commit to developing an understanding of these differences, you and your partner with ADHD are on your way to a much more fulfilling relationship.

In light of some of the discord they experience, frequently the partner without ADHD wonders “why was I attracted to someone with ADHD in the first place, and why am I still in love with them despite the challenges?” Their responses frequently indicate that their partner with ADHD also has many positive and endearing qualities:

Creative
Energetic
Authentic – perhaps to a fault
Charming
Risk Taker
Fun!!!

For better or worse, here are seven tips that can help you and the one you love to live happily ever after.

1. Seek a professional diagnosis. Get a diagnosis to determine if your loved one actually has ADHD.

2. Educate Yourselves. The most important thing for an adult diagnosed with ADHD and their partner is to educate themselves. While an ADHD diagnosis may initially be a relief, it is a very complex diagnosis and the symptoms don’t disappear or become any less hurtful simply because one receives a diagnosis.

3. Work closely with your doctor, psychologist and/or ADHD coach to create a treatment plan. Your partner should find out not only if he has ADHD, but also if he has any co-existing conditions – for example, anxiety, depression, substance and/or alcohol problems – that can impact his treatment (and your relationship).

4. Determine what behaviors prevent you from being a fulfilled couple. If you love someone with ADHD, you can probably easily name at least one of his behaviors that seems to be interfering with the relationship. But relationship problems don’t develop in a bubble. Be humble enough to recognize that you may need to work on being more tolerant and identify your own blind spots or challenging traits. Work together (and with your ADHD professional, if possible) to find solutions.

5. Look at your household chores and determine if they are divided according to your respective strengths. As strange as it may sound, I’ve found that household chores tend to be a sticking point for couples dealing with ADHD. If one partner is more organized or adept with finances, then the chores they focus on should reflect that (e.g., balancing the check book). If the other spouse is more energetic, their chores should be those that require more movement (e.g., doing yard work). Instead of trying to get him to change, a better solution is to divide chores by strengths. This will increase the chances of them getting done consistently and fairly, as well as reduce stress.

6. Set aside quality time to spend together – make sure you date your spouse. Find someone to watch the children and do something fun together. Make a list of things that you both enjoy and spend some time each week on one of those things.

7. Sex. Could your sex life use a pick me up? Have you ever considered that challenges related to ADHD, including reactions such as lowered sex drive due to medication, could be preventing you from keeping your sex life as lively and fulfilling as it could be? The good thing is, with open communication with your partner and therapist, you should be able to get your sex life back on track relatively quickly. Talk about it!

All couples view the world differently and communicate uniquely – this fact may just be heightened for couples with ADHD. If your partner has ADHD, I encourage you to use these seven tips to turn potential challenges into creative ways to grow closer to them and get the love you deserve, when you deserve it!

Dr. Phil’s take on ADHD and Marriage

On July 9th, Dr. Phil did a show on saving marriages hurt by ADHD symptoms. If you want to hear what Dr Phil, Dr Hallowell and some couples (who are struggling with this issue) had to say then click on the link below

click here to see show

This post comes from the “Thoughts on ADHD and Marriage” blog and forum hosted by Dr. Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov.

What I Like About You (Loving an ADHD Spouse)

I recently came across some research which I thought would interest you. The survey, which had 416 respondents in marriages affected by ADHD, was done by Dr. Ned Hallowell and his associate, Melissa Orlov.

One of the questions asked was “What gives you the greatest pleasure in your relationship?” Respondents without ADD who are married to people with officially diagnosed ADD answered that question this way:

The most common answers focused on spontaneity, laughter, fun and friendship.

Some examples:
Our playfulness. My ADHD husband has an incredible laugh that is absolutely infectious and he really knows how to play with real fun with me and with his adolescent daughter and young adult son.

My husband is enthusiastic, energetic, and fun to be around.

My husband who is ADD has such a fantastic ability to be funny. He has a wonderful way with words. Sometimes those words become negative but when they’re funny, he’s right up there with the best of comedians.

I love to listen to my husband talk: he is so knowledgeable about so many things and is willing to share his ideas. He has a great sense of humor too.

After over 15 years, we still talk all the time. We never run out of things to discuss, and even when we agree it’s a pleasure to hear his perspective. Partly because of that, I love to spend time with my husband and still look forward to him getting home each night.

Because of my husband’s ADHD, he can still maintain the playfulness of a teenager and works well with being spontaneous.

My husband is my best friend. He makes me laugh.

My mate is funny and creative. He is also very interesting because he loves to learn new things and share it with me.

I am married to a wonderful man with ADHD — he has the most amazing verbal creativity and sense of humor. He energizes me every day.

Another positive area for many respondents had to do with partnership and intimacy:

Feeling like you have a true partner to face problems and difficulties with. Enjoying the children with the only other person on the planet who feels as close to them as I do.

He can be incredibly loving, in words and in physical expression…
Romance and true love which is frequently expressed

I like the attention he gives me when we are alone. He is very romantic and spontaneous, which I find very exciting.

I find that having someone with which to share all of life’s ups and downs with is one of the best aspects of marriage. I truly believe you need to be best friends and be able to maintain that type of relationship throughout the marriage. Your spouse should be the first person you call when you are happy , sad, stressed, etc.

These responses focused on family, including:

The greatest pleasure in my marriage is knowing that I am loved by my husband and that I have two great kids and a daughter-in-law who I get along well with.

Our family unit. The special time we have just the five of us enjoying life, whether it be in the yard or on the boat.

I find it interesting and inspiring that so many of these quotes (and there are more) place such emphasis on the friendship between partners. If you are thinking about what area of your relationship to work on next, consider activities that strengthen your bonds as friends.

This post comes from the “Thoughts on ADHD and Marriage” blog and forum hosted by Dr. Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov.